I know, it's been a long time since there's been an update here. I've been mostly coasting through as well as I can, but I have to vent now.
I am... so exhausted. The lack of work for over a year now has dragged me to a low I've never experienced before. Top that with the fact that I am living in someone else's house. Not just like as a tenant, but just... in a room... in their house. If Mary weren't receiving disability, we'd be sunk. Completely sunk. As it is, we are able to make payments on the car, life insurance, and a few other creditors. There are still several creditors that are receiving no attention (money) from us. I can't even believe some of them haven't already been turned over to collection agencies. I haven't registered the car in California yet, because I haven't been able to pay the last year's property tax to Jackson County Missouri. I also don't think it'll pass inspection; the tires are starting to get crackly and bald. Plus, it's time for an oil change, which requires synthetic blend or full synthetic oil. It's frustrating. We've been able to keep ourselves supplied with plenty of snacks, and we are able to help our host household out with groceries a bit. We have some SNAP benefits coming in to pay for that. It isn't even the financial strain that is tiring me out so much. It's a couple things. First, it's the unemployment. I can't even worry about the financial stuff until I at least have an income. Second, it's the constant putting on an at least neutral face, if not a smile, just to make sure I don't alienate the people around me. I need people around me, as I tend to "hermit" when I'm depressed. And I start to stop taking care of myself. Days without a shower. Weeks without brushing my teeth. That sort of thing. Finally, it's a little bit of loneliness. It isn't like I don't have anyone around me, it's that I don't really know 99% of them. I'm already exhausted, and I don't have the energy to expend to build relationships right now. I miss the familiarity of friends I know being within an hour or so. I have a constant feeling that I'm losing. I'm falling behind. I'm failing. And I don't feel like I have the energy to spend to begin a course correction. It's important to note, here, that I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. Sometimes I feel, though, that it just needs to end. *sigh* (I hate onomatopoeia in writing, but there it is.) That's all I can do right now. It's nearly 3am--a normal occurrence--and I'm about ready to sleep. I have an early start tomorrow after having a simple, but utterly defeating failure tonight. We were grocery shopping. Had the cart full and nearly finished. Only to realize that I did not have my SNAP card on me. Had to put all the groceries back on the shelf and head home empty handed. It'll be corrected in the morning.
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The Cats We need to find temporary foster homes for our three little fur babies. The youngest is Kody (Baron Kodak von Rumplepumpkin). He is a ginger kitty that is playful and is everyone's friend. He loves cuddling in the nook between your legs or between your thigh and the chair. He plays fetch with paper wads and SOME kitty ball toys. The next is our fat grey kitty, Macy. Macy is a skittish cat that, despite having only known our presence for the 12 years of her life, has only recently begun to be a cat. She will probably take a while to get to know folks, but is otherwise a low-maintenance kitty that will SOMETIMES play with a laser pointer (if she deems your play worthy of her time), but nothing else. Our oldest is the momma to Macy and they are inseparable. Callie is an old (14 years) grey kitty that has some special needs. She has arthritis in her lower back that is visible, bumps along her spine near the tail. She can no longer jump and will not be able to get onto furniture. I do, however, have a padded stair that she knows how to use to climb higher. Because of her arthritis, she also does not make it to the litter box. She knows where it is and gets very close. I have been laying down dog pee pads, and she uses those just fine. If Callie is fostered, I will insist on sending a specific cardboard box that she has taken as her fortress of solitude. It's a medium sized Chewy box with some of the paper padding inside. The Situation My wife is disabled from brain surgery to remove a tumor. I have been unemployed for a while. I have an unprecedented opportunity to help build a business from the ground up. Free boarding. But it is far away, and will not be able to host our kitties. We certainly do not want to give our babies up, but we are looking for some temporary homes/home for them to stay while we get our feet back underneath us. We are looking for a term of somewhere between three (3) and five (5) months of care. We are also VERY aware that Callie is reaching "that" age and could very well pass while we are away. This is something we definitely want to hear about if it happens. The Plea If you feel like you could take on Callie and Macy or if you feel like you could take all three of them on, we would be MOST appreciative. There are only a couple other pertinent details. They are all used to a grain-free, but just getting fed is my priority, not the diet specifics. They are used to a running-water fountain to drink from. If you do not have one, I have two in case they must go to different homes. Thank you VERY much for reading through the wall of text! If you feel like you are able to help, please contact me by email (kerrywano@gmail.com) with the subject line: "THE CATS" (Yes, all caps, please) I am so blessed! Friends have organized a stream-a-thon that benefits us! The event kicks off on my stream on Saturday, July 17th at 8am CDT. Can you drop by any of these streams? Can you donate a couple dollars? Every bit helps.
What is happening?I know. It has been a long time since there's been any information here. So much has transpired, and so much has changed, it's overwhelming. The MoneyI've been struggling with unemployment for a while now. My programming skills are way too far behind, and I don't have the passion to update them. I definitely want something different. I NEED something different. I've been targeting Business Analyst, Technical Analyst, Technical Support roles. However, my background is, I fear, automatically excluding me from positions. Recruiters have not been able to find any BA/TA roles that don't require 3+ years of experience in the role. Consequently, of the last 12 month, I've been unemployed for 9 months. This means I have exhausted my unemployment benefits and will be receiving nothing more from the state. Mary has been unable to work, and her disability has not been approved, so there's no income from there yet. Mary's insurance has expired, so I've had to cancel all upcoming appointments. Especially the MRI appointments. There's no way I can come up with $4500 for an MRI. My June rent check bounced, and I have nothing to fix that with or to pay July rent. While I've applied for State financial assistance with rent, we are potentially looking at being homeless. That's our current situation. The FutureI have amazing friends. A streamer (and local) friend has begun organizing a fund raising stream-a-thon for my benefit. July 17th and 18th, up to 48 hours of a stream train, one streamer raiding into the next. If you can join in, great. Every little bit helps. Keep an eye on my channel (SeekersCache) for more details as the days get closer.
This evening, I discovered something about myself that has been causing a rift between Mary and I. As most of you know already, her ability to communicate and use the computer has diminished drastically since her bout of seizures in March 2019.
Consequently, she doesn't play video games with me anymore because her ability to control the mouse and to type is mostly gone. This means she spends most of her time in the living room watching television (Netflix). I have been spending more and more time interacting with Twitch streamers recently, and I've found it difficult to stay interested in television. This means I spend most of my time in the office on my computer. (Twitch is an online platform where people can broadcast in real time. Mostly, it is a platform for gamers, but there is a large community of artists and crafters, as well. The broadcasters are also able to interact with their viewers. The viewers are able to type in chat. There are even many channels that are devoted specifically to chatting.) I've realized that, since we can no longer hold the deep conversations we used to have, I am feeling lonely. I've relied on Twitch for my daily interpersonal interaction. I don't want to live separate lives. I love that woman to death, and we are fixing this. relaxationWe've recently gone on a couple vacations. These were (mostly) paid for early in the year. First, we dropped in to Dallas to see some very good friends that we hadn't seen in a while. They were visiting family there. This last weekend, we got to help them celebrate their anniversary by staying with us in a vacation rental on the Oregon coast. Such a good time. I hadn't felt that good in a long time. Because these were planned and were no-refunds, it was just more economical to go through with them. unemployedI say that because I've actually been unemployed for a month and a half, with no current prospects. I am ashamed to say that I did not receive unemployment benefits because I couldn't find three positions I felt qualified to apply for (Missouri requires three job applications per week to receive benefits). I've resolved to find three that are relatively close to my field and just apply. Whatever they are, even if I know I won't get it. TherapyI'm going back to therapy. I've recently (within the last couple weeks) reached out to a new therapist. This therapist is already feeling so much better. She's thorough and goal-oriented. That's something I really need in order to progress. Just seemed like the last one just wanted to chat and not really address any specific issues. futureWhat does the future hold for us? I cannot see very far into the future right now, but it will probably include a move. I don't have any idea when, but it has to come. I certainly have questions and concerns about a move.
I have both good and bad feelings for those that knew Mary before the tumor and those that know her now.
Before: I'm happy you knew her as her exuberant, energetic, outgoing self. I'm sad that you, like I, have to grieve the loss of that person. After: I'm happy that you are interactive with her and love her just as she is. I'm sad that you didn't get to see her trudging through abandoned buildings and shoulder-high fields of grass to get the shot, hear her beautiful singing voice, or engage in her long deep conversations. With Mary's employment coming to an end, there are some changes that will take place.
Steps we've already taken:
I would welcome all advice or tips on getting disability, SSDI, private insurance, and/or Medicare going. Even if your advice is to avoid something. Even if you think, "Everyone knows this!" Please contact me directly. After we'd returned from taking a long walk around Loose Park this week, she said something that just struck me.
She said, "I feel like all you do is worry about me." I retorted, "It's the vast majority of what I do." She isn't wrong. I find myself always worried about her well-being. I tell myself that the benefit is that I drop whatever I'm doing if I hear an abnormal thump in the house, and I rush to her. However, the worry is what keeps me tired all the time. There is one thing in particular that worries me the most. I'm male and diabetic. That already shortens my life expectancy. She's also much younger than I. There is a very high probability that I will pass before she does. I'm worried because there is so much I do to take care of her that is not intuitive, and would be a learned skill over time. Who will pick up this banner when I fall? I don't know. It's the thought that she may end up having to teach someone how to take care of her that sometimes keeps me up at night. The changes in Mary's wellbeing have taken their toll. Though they continue to press for more. I am in no way considering giving up, that's just absurd.
This evening, she tried to cook one of our favorite dishes for the first time in a long time. It simply did not go well. Don't get me wrong, the end result was delicious. It comes down to a loss of independence. She used to be able to do it without my help all the time. Tonight, though, I had to open cans and jars for her, help her transfer food from the pan into the baking dish, then transfer from the baking dish to the plates. This realization hit her pretty hard tonight. I know she wanted to do something special for us, but it ended up with both of us working together on it. It hit her so hard, she nearly cried over it. "I just can't do things myself anymore." I reassured her that I love her, and that I'm right here to help out however I can. Overall, it was the lowest point of the last few weeks. The changes themselves are causing us some concern. Plus, the stress of working from home and schooling from home after so much time working and learning with a group of people just sapped me. I ended up withdrawing from school, just to give myself a break. A couple things brightened our lives, though, as we have amazing friends. One of our dear friends in Wisconsin and a family dear to our hearts in California sent us things to enjoy. They both brought tears to our eyes. |
AuthorMy name is Kerry. I am the primary caretaker for my wife Mary, a brain cancer survivor. Archives
July 2022
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